We do this thing. Something happens, and we plaster it on to our identities. But more than that, we plaster it on to someone else's perception of us. Without their permission. Without their knowing. We assign their view of us.
We assume that others will only ever see the worst of us. I repeat... WE assume.
We project our own feelings of unworthiness into how we see others seeing us. Then we feel rejected by our own thoughts of "their" perception of us.
Sounds confusing, right?
Because it is.
It's also extremely breaking.
I do this. I feel rejected by others because I have written their thoughts of me. I have taken these mistakes of my past and assigned them to a person's perception of me. Then every time I think of that person, see that person, interact with that person, that is all that I see and hear.
As long as I continue to hold on to these perceptions, as long as I continue to assign them to others, as long as I continue to feel rejected by my own thoughts, I will never heal. I am holding on to these mistakes. I am holding on these pieces. They are not. I am. Or maybe they are. But that's not the point. The point is that I am not called to carry these. I am only breaking myself. I am only breaking others, because with each perception I assign, I am denying deep relationship with said person. Because I hold up this perception of myself whenever I see this person, I pull back. I pull back and a create a barrier that has no right being there.
This is on me.
This is on me. I need to strip these perceptions. I also need to have the hard conversations. With myself, with God, and with my people.
I need to be open with myself. I need to forgive myself.
I need to be open wth God. I need to repent and seek.
I need to be open with others. I need to be honest about what I am feeling. I need to tell them about these perceptions. I need them to know what I feel. Even if they have no holding to the perception, I need to break the barrier.
This is fricken' hard.
The hardest part here is having to face and name these demons. Creating these perceptions and barriers have only allowed me to avoid the thing. The stupid thing. Whatever it was. I avoided it. But you can't really avoid these things. No, until we face them, they linger. And when they linger, they become perceptions and barriers that we allow to stick around because it is easier than facing them.
LET PEOPLE SEE YOU.
A stranger could walk up to me on the street and I instantly see them seeing me as that one time I failed, that one time I messed up, that one time I hurt someone else, that one time... that one time... that one time... THAT THEY WEREN'T EVEN THERE FOR!
See how dangerous this is?
We have this great fear that people are only ever going to see the worst of us. This is a lie. This is the enemy whispering in to our ears.
And reality check: some people will only see those fears, mistakes, failure, or insecurities. Some people just will. Perhaps they have their own insecutirites and the defect that onto others (different story). BUT that does not change who you ARE. Please remember that.
Plus, we are missing out on some bomb relationships simply because we don't let people see us.